Where am I?  Who am I?  These questions keep circling in my head... but yet the answers elude me.  I don't even recognize the person I have become... I have let so many outside influence creep into my life... and I don't know what to do next.  I can't seem to please anyone right now.  I have never truly felt like I could lose my mind... but recently I feel it could all just crumble around me.  I am holding on to the edge of so many things.  My marriage, my career, my family, my self-worth, my self-esteem... the list goes on and on.  And somewhere in the mix of this is that overwhelming feeling that I have tried to suppress for so long.  I just want someone to love me for me.  The good the bad and the ugly.   Maybe I have lived in a world of fantasy and Hollywood for to long, but I believe it can happen.  I have seen it happen.  Just not for me.   I have 2 friends right now that I know are happy.  I listen to both of them talk about who they have found.  They are both so happy about them.  They talk about how perfect they are and how happy they are to be with them.  Is it all a fantasy.  Is their reality like mine? Do they go behind close doors and feel ashamed? humiliated? stupid?  Do they come back out with forced smiles?  Do they live day to day wondering if tomorrow will be any different?  Do they?  

I find myself in a tunnel of sorts.   I can see the fuzzy outline of light seeping through the distant end.   Yet, I feel like what has brought me into this tunnel is also keeping me from reaching the light.  I look backwards and I see a picture riddled with hopes and dreams still lost.  

It amazes me how as a child I created all these images in my mind.  Images of love.  Images of family.  Images of happiness.  What I have found is that images can be deceiving.  What you see is not always what you get. 

So I wait.  I wait to see new images. I wait to draw closer to the light at the end of the tunnel.  I wait for the future...